It feels so personal, doesn't it?
When he says "It’s going good just the way it is, let’s not mess with it", you just can't help it. You think it's because of you.
"I must not be enough", you tell yourself.
Or I must be too much. Or, in other words, "There must be something wrong with me that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and it's STILL not enough to get him to commit to me."
So let's clear this up right now before you go any further with why this is somehow your fault that you're stalled in the in-between zone.
It's not because of you.
It's because of what any deeper of a commitment to you represents to him!
What if, for all he’s supposed to be ready for because you are just that perfect, what if that's not what does it for him because all he feels is pressure to be that responsible guy and he's not feeling up to that pressure?
What if it only serves to make him feel more of those feelings of doubt and inadequacy he keeps hidden because of everything he’s got built up in his mind about what it means to take that next step of starting his own family with a wife and maybe down the road some kids and all the responsibility that entails?
What if he’s suddenly struck with the realization that HE’s not up to the task, and it has nothing to do with you?
And what if when he looks at you and sees how “perfect” you are, he only feels he’s letting you down? What if you add to that all the expectations he’s carrying with him in his programming of how women think, how he's heard that women can be manipulative, how everything changes after marriage, how you’re going to turn into something else and all those other cultural messages of what happens next to the two of you?
What if THAT is everything that's keeping him from committing to you, and nothing personal at all to do with you - except how perfect you are for him?
That’s a lot for him to have to be ready for if he's not.
I know it seems so counterintuitive to you that someone could meet the perfect person for him and find that scares him off rather than brings him closer - but I see it and hear it happening all the time!
But there's something else here that's happening, too. If there is where you find yourself right now, there is still so much you have control over that you CAN do! It starts with your communication. How you talk to this guy you're still wanting to believe could be the one matters more than anything else you could do. Communicate with him like he's a regular, average, every-day person, not a guy who holds the key to your future - or your happiness.
Talk to him like he's your equal.
I know I talk a lot about this, but there's a really important reason. When we forget we're doing the choosing - that we can walk away to find someone who's on our page right now or we can choose to stay with him and wait to see if he comes around - there's a shift in the energy dynamics between the two of you.
Suddenly, it's all about him and all on him. And that means so much more pressure on him!
Why does this matter?
Because not all of you are ready to walk. Not all of you are choosing to leave to find that someone else who IS on your page and ready for the same committed relationship you're ready for.
If this is you, don't fight with yourself about it. Just remember you're doing the choosing and make your choice - as long as it's one you can actually live with.
Think about him this way. If he feels like he’s supposed to be in charge and taking care of you, and responsible for how you think and how you feel and he can’t admit that he’s scared and feeling some pretty unknown feelings coming up for him that don’t fit easily into his definition of “being a man” that he grew up with, he’s going to feel inadequate and ashamed and definitely won’t be able to share this part of himself with you.
Worse, he may feel the only way to deflect this off him is to put this on you which leads to all kinds of other issues.
What you CAN do when it's your guy we're talking about here, is not look to him to be your knight in shining armor. What you CAN do is recognize the difference between a real guy who feels things like pressure and doesn't always know how to communicate those feelings or to deal with them for himself, and the fantasy guy we've been sold on in the movies who can handle anything, even his own feelings.
And what you CAN do is own your own programming, and not make him responsible for it.
You both have it. You're both human.
The only question that remains, is whether the two of you together can do what it takes to make it work - together. There's a reason why the most perfect man for you is going to be someone who's both your best friend and someone you're also attracted to.
That's no fantasy. That's reality!
How about you, Beautiful? Are you putting him on a pedestal? Stop. Take him down. He's human, too. Now let's allow him (and you) to be. No more perfect. You're perfect enough just as you are! Tell me all about it in the comments below.
